I realized that one of the causes for my confusion is that I want it all, meaning that I want all that I had…. now! I also want new things, but I don't want to change or let go of the old things I had and know. I'm still caught up in hanging on to the past and trying to project it into the future to make my present experience O.K.[http://files.myopera.com/saysame/blog/cartoon%20of%20computer%20in%20and%20out.jpg]
I'm also trying to do everything at once and I'm not leaving myself any room for learning new experiences and growth. If I took it slow, then I could allow myself to learn as I go and to slowly experience new things. That would also allow me to change or let go of my old imprints, programs and beliefs and to allow myself to do things in a different way. Instead, I downloaded a dozen programs in a row off my external hard drive and then had all sorts of icons on my desktop and in my program menu not counting all the new programs that were already in the menu that I'm unfamiliar with.
Dah!…. I just realized that I'm dealing with mission impossible…. I'm trying to organize the known with the unknown… and the result is confusion.
I'm going to either restore or re-install Windows Media and then only install the programs that I need in this moment. I'm also going to clean up after each install so that I can learn as I go. I'll leave the programs that I'm not familiar where they are until I know what they do and what to do with them as far as organizing them into common folders. It may not look as pretty and be as organized and as efficient as my old computer but then it took me a couple of years to get to that stage. Here I'm trying to re-create the "perfect” setup on this computer in a couple of days. I'm not allowing or giving myself, my Mind any room for the process of learning something new.
Hummmm? So not only am I a tyrant when it comes to my Feelings, Emotions and my Body, but I'm also a tyrant when it comes to my own Mind…. So now what? Is this simply a matter of my mind running on old imprints, programs and beliefs, or is someone or something else controlling my Mind… The “Inner Critic” is the first thing that popped up in my Mind.. So if the critic is the "who", then the next questions are what is he really controlling, how, when and why? Other questions are if I know that it's him…. why am I allowing it? Lots of questions, but no answers…yet.
Another reason that I want to restore or re-install is that I've tried to move some of the unknown programs into files so that it didn't look so cluttered and I feel that some have disappeared as this new windows Media doesn't allow me to do what I did in old Windows XP. I also don't remember what they were so that I can go back and get a new shortcut. I don't know what I'm doing and neither does the computer so it's doing what it's been programmed to do. I can see myself getting frustrated later in not being able to get a certain program because I've deleted a short cut or it's been moved into a different program file. There is also something else going on as I've changed the setting on my desktop and screen saver and while there is no problem during the day when I shut the computer off and re-boot it, but every morning, it's re-set itself to some old weird settings and I have to re-set them.
The more I go into this, the more I feel that starting over and re-installing the software is the right choice.