May 14 Feeling Anger and rage
Marian got out of the hospital on Sunday. They kept her in for almost a week and had her on an IV drip and a reduced diet. They suspect her pancreas was acting up due to a recent change is medicine ordered by the same doctor that I was talking to in the hallway about my recent experiences with drugs. An hour after I picked her up from the hospital, she was visiting friends.
I’ve been trying to get back into working on my website template and I have to undo the changes that I made the other day. I’m feeling anger and rage in that nothing seems to want to work for me. I do one thing and ten things seem to go wrong that change the whole template. It’s like one step forward and two back. Things change that shouldn’t be changing as I never touched or alter them.
What is this anger and rage? I ask for help in healing it or in moving it to its right place if it’s not mine. It feels like me or a part of me that is tired of being held back and “played” with. I feel like there is this “big brother” that is fucking with me, fucking with my mind, emotions and body, doing anything he can to confuse, frustrate and belittle me. He’s not really smarter than me, he’s just a bully, not wanting anyone to out do or out shine him. He’s afraid of competition, of being knocked off his lofty perch that King Fuck is sitting on… the heartless fucker. Only seeing his side, his loveless point of view and anything else is considered a threat to the status guo and so he tries to eliminate it. I’d like to knock him on his ass and send him flying to the other end of creation. He says he’s love… but only as long as you agree with him.