June 13 After I did a few more web pages I decided to go out on the back deck and get some sun and get caught up in my journaling.
I just killed and ant, and then I pushed him off the deck by letting him fall through the space between the boards. I had no intent to kill him but something was on my left forearm and I unconsciously scratched where I was being annoyed. I thought the itch was gone but then it happened again and this time I took a longer, harder sweep of where my arm was itchy. As I brushed my arm, the ant flew off my arm, to the deck in front of me. I could see that it was hurt as it wasn’t running away but going around in circles. I turned finished writing what I had begun, trying to ignore and deny that I had hurt and killed it. I glanced up to see what it was doing and I could see that it had stopped moving and that’s when I brushed it into the crevasse and he was gone.
Out of sight, out of mind… I thought and I realized that that is an imprint, that’s how we work. We do things, unintentionally unloving things, and then we try to deny that we did it or that it was wasn’t important. There is also guilt there, saying that I am unloving, that I should have known better, that I should have looked, etc, etc, but then that voice is drowned out by another voice that is giving justifications for the act. Hell, it’s only an ant. They’re a pest. There’s billions and trillions of them, yadda, yadda, yadda and whatever other program and belief that I could find to justify my unloving act.
I reflected a moment… that’s just like God (the father) and the mother and how he didn’t have unloving intent to hurt her as he didn’t even know that she even existed and that she was a she. But all that didn’t negate the fact of what happened in Original Cause and what we have been doing ever since.
We place all our emphasis on “seeing is believing” “show me” and other phrases that negate anything but what is seen in the physical reality. We think and believe that if it’s not seen or that no one else sees it. That it’s OK. And even if it’s seen, then it’s not important or not real. If it’s small, then it’s less important than if it’s big. If it holds a position of power or status, then it is also seen as more important and powerful than those that do not have it. If we are not physically hurt.. then we are not hurt… Emotions and feelings are not seen… so they are not real or important.