July 26 6:15 a.m. I had just finished writing a piece on healing the inner and outer child and fragmentation and how you don't have conscious memory of your "outer" child and that the more severe the trauma, the less memory you have of your childhood experiences. What memories you do have are either fuzzy or based on stories that you have been told or from pictures of those so-called special times. Because healing never happens, you continue to fragment every time you are activated and so you continue through life in a fog. You can't and are not being real, and so you "act" out your life instead of living and experiencing it and there are few if any, real emotions that are felt and expressed to bring the life to the experience.
As I wrote that I felt how much I've lost. My childhood, my adolescence, teen, young adult and most of my adult years. You can't be real and present and in the moment if you are not all present to begin with. I can't go back and re-live those experiences, and why would I, they were hell? I want to experience what I never got to experience, my lost innocence and all the things that were robbed from me. I know I can go back and heal the parts of me that I lost, but how do I heal or experience what I never got a chance to do, to live life and experience it with love……………… I'm in a fog.
As I'm typing this for my blog post I can feel the utter heartbreak of it all. I'm feeling that this is something that I have never experienced in all my existences.. As I was searching google for a image I came across this one called Best Friends.. As a child, my dog was the only friend I had and just remembering that brings tears to my eyes.