August 12 Sunday 4:29 p.m. I was reading R.U.O.W. Yellow Book page 179 and I got that what was activating me with Janice’s pregnancy and the boys death, was my Wills rage imprint and with Spirit that is unloving. This rage wants to blame any action intentional or unintentional as being the problem. It doesn’t realize that Spirit (Mind) also has been damaged and has little or no Yin side with which to feel what harm it is doing. There can be no peace until my rage can let go of the hatred for any and all actions that do not feel loving.
Ahhhhh! My Wills rage is afraid that if it lets down its guard, that the Will will get struck again and that this time, it may be the last strike. I can feel my rage softening its stance and saying that not all actions against the Will has unloving intent and while it may be blind and ignorant, harm and attack is not the intent behind the action.
I feel it’s willing to stop blaming and to begin working on healing this and letting go of the old imprints, programs and belief on “how it was” and now give “how it will be” a chance.
I feel that rage is still confused as to it’s actions when unloving light strikes and at the same time I heard the Will give rage the answer. Be in the moment, let go of what you think will happen based on the old imprints, programs and beliefs and simply respond to what “is” happening with love.
Whew! (Deep exhale!) This is going to take some getting used to! But then (my eyes filled with tears) I felt….. Marian interrupted me….. (Pause) I felt it was ready to stop fighting the battle that no one was winning and that everyone was losing.
While my Will and rage are now open to change, I feel my Terror speaking as it’s afraid now that nothing is going to stop unloving light from attacking whenever it wants to. I feel that my Terror is in a numb place and while it is afraid of my rage, it’s even more afraid that my rage is not going to rage, so now it’s afraid of unloving light.
Wheeew! Another long exhale followed by a deep jerky in-breath. This is a lot to handle and so suddenly! My Mind also feels blank as to what to do and what to say. It’s a weird funny feeling not knowing what to do next or how to respond. My mind just noticed that it wrote “respond” and not “re-act” and that is different.
I feel that the Will (feelings and intuition) will be feeling the “intent” as well as whatever else is coming at it and if it is loving intent, loving intent that is bent, or unloving intent and all will be addressed with compassion and understanding. In this moment I can’t put what I’m feeling into words as all will be treated the same, yet different.