Post 141 – My fear of dying

Aug 14 Tuesday 8:17 p.m. My younger brother and recently my sister have been treated for skin cancer and today I noticed that a brown spot that I have had for over thirty years has changed its appearance and looks like it is rising or growing upwards. It’s not in a readily visible place so it’s not something that I’m always looking at. Now I have fear that I have cancer. It’s ironic, when I was born I didn’t want to be here, and now that things are finally beginning to change, I feel that my life is being taken from me… I’m confused and heartbroken. It's also interesting that over a month ago I set up an appointment to get a physical and that is scheduled for mid Sept.

I was in the shower and I was asking that it be healed, and that I also wanted to heal the cause of this spot. I heard the word “rage” and felt a cold chill through my body. I was shocked as I felt it has to do with both the rage I have at my body and also sexual rage as a form of rage release.

Sex relieves tension. Yea right, but that form of tension is actually rage and not love. I can see and feel that most of the sex and orgasms that I've had, were when I’ve been in denial and in denied rage. I see all these little orgasms as little explosions of light. Not loving light, but more like that of an electric arc welder that hisses and sizzles as tiny exploding pieces of metal fragments are being hurled into the air. It slowly and deliberately, melts and fuses two pieces of metal together, forcing them to become one. Not a pretty or a loving picture.

JR

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