This topic has been coming up more and more so I feel I need to say something about it. The common misconception that people have about healing is when a person changes what is considered an unacceptable behavior, either towards themselves or others and now does the opposite of what they were doing. For example, if a person that is physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to others, changes their personality and becomes nice and kind. Another example is a person that has an eating obsession and is obese, and then goes on a diet and loses a lot of weight. While both of these situations are seen as a healing and a “positive” change in a person’s lifestyle, it is not a healing, but rather a just form change.
Part of this false healing issue is the unresolved internal struggle that the person hasn’t addressed. Take the case of the abuser. If as a child, they had a parent that was domineering, controlling and abusive and ruled with anger and rage, the child had no choice in this situation and they did what they could to survive. The child is forced to accept this abuse and most likely, their only means of expressing any real emotions was in private.
As this abuse continued and there was no outlet for any emotions of heartbreak, terror, and especially anger and rage at being attacked; all these emotions are then held inside the person. When they are old enough to leave home, then feel a false sense of freedom because they are finally physically out of the abusive situation and they may even say that that isn’t going to happen to them again, but that doesn’t mean that they have healed or that they are really free.
Now they are faced with another dilemma. When they are activated by an abusive situation, they re-act to their old imprints and they still have all these unresolved and denied emotions wanting to surface and when they do, they feel that they have only three choices, to fight, run or give in. I could go through all three scenarios, but I’ll just go with the fight mode as I had mentioned that the person wasn’t going to allow that to happen to them again.
When they are triggered by their unresolved denied issues with their parent’s abuse, their denied anger and rage forces its way to the surface and as it is expressed, the person feels empowered and that they are in control of the situation. So now the person that was abused as a child becomes the abuser. After a while they may begin to realize what they are doing, but as they don’t know how to “heal” their real issues, they decide to “deal” with their issues. They are terrified in that they see themselves being like their parents and so in that moment they choose a different and opposite path.
The different path doesn’t mean that they have healed their issues including their anger and rage; it just means that now they choose to deny their anger and rage or to express it in a different manner, and will most likely now express their heartbreak and maybe even their terror of how close they came to being like their parents. Heartbreak and terror was something that they wouldn’t allow themselves to express while in their anger and rage as that would be a sign of weakness.
Another scenario might be that when the person was being abused as a child that they already made the conscious decision and choice that they wouldn’t be like their parents when they grew up and do what their parents did to their mate and children. This sets the person up to be the victim in an abusive relationship by either their mate and/or their children.
Again, getting out of this abusive relationship is not a healing, but a form change. This is merely giving themselves and others a false sense of healing that is really just moving from one end of the denial teeter-totter to the other end. It’s an outward form change creating the illusion of inner healing.
While I used anger and rage, this same scenario also plays itself out in other form changes that are more easily recognizable like alcohol, drugs, gambling, smoking, etc where people “switch off” the old program and adopt a new, more acceptable one. They might even do this “transformation” with the help of AA, the 12 step program, a Re-hab centre, a diet program or even through a church in finding a religion that has somehow “saved” them from the path they were on. All these form changes are not healing the real issues that created the original addiction or behavior as they are not healing the cause, merely treating the symptom.