'07 Oct 18 12:30 am, the truck hasn't been leaking oil for the past couple of days and I just thought of something. I wonder if it’s not leaking because I’ve given up trying to control the oil leak and just accept it.
Hummm? I also realize that I'm the one that’s forcing myself to work and get the truck fixed as I feel I need to do it instead of just letting God help me in the way that he needs and wants to help me, and not necessarily how I want it to be based on my old imprints, programs and beliefs. This could all be like false emotions, that I think and feel are real, but aren’t.
Here I feel like God has abandoned me, yet I want him to help me in the way that I Think he should help me. It doesn't work that way, that’s not unconditional love. It’s funny as I never looked at it that way before, although I saw prayer as telling God what to do, I never thought that feeling abandoned was also a subtle form of telling God that what was happening to me wasn’t right, and that stating my feelings and emotions was also telling and commanding God to obey me.
It's the intent behind the words and the release of the judgments and expectation. It's OK to ask for what I desire, but then I need to let it go and release my expectation of how it is to come (or not come) to me and if it doesn’t manifest, then I need to feel the denied feelings and emotions and the imprints, programs and beliefs that I still have that are limiting my experiences. At this moment, I don’t feel that God has abandoned me… it’s just that I don’t know how to connect with him…. as it’s something that I’ve never experience before.
*** As I’m typing this post for my blog, I can feel the heartbreak of never having known what it feels like to be loved by God… I’ve always felt abandoned and outside his love. I’ve always felt that I didn’t deserve his love or that I wasn’t good enough and that’s why all these bad things were happening to me. I now desire to experience the acceptance of love.
Wow! This is BIG… I’m overwhelmed… I just did a google image search for “feeling abandoned” and the very first picture was this one of Jesus sitting on the Cross. I had tears in my eyes when I saw it as he too felt abandoned by God when he was being crucified as he called out, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (St. Mark:15:34)
I have to go to work in ½ an hour so I have to get ready… ***
PS: As I'm posting this I'm feeling the difference between prayer, where you feel you have a connection with God, and what I’m feeling, that of separation and abandonment and the feeling that you can't ask…… Humm? I just realized that a friend of mine, Jen, sent me a channeled message the other day that was also related to this feeling of separation and abandonment and also on asking. This is the last part of her message.
***** the steps have already begun.. another journey is before you, you have everything you need … you are never alone…although you wish for a connection, it exists and is deeply felt….again INTENT is needed here… you still carry that inside you that keeps you feeling very separate…your journey need not be so… hela (?) the beliefs of your creations…. Look to your daily life and follow the creation that has manifested back to the belief/fear that has created it… You are the key… once again ..you will receive all the answers.. just ask, feel.. and trust… we realize how hard it is for you to open (trusting you will not be struck) so you will change that sequence for you are one who is very specific!!! (Jens laughs) Feel Trust. Ask Receive.. Travel light…. *****