‘07 Nov 03 A friend of mine who reads my blog sent me an e-mail regarding my prostrate issues. As I was reading her email I was thinking of how sex is an expression of love… and how it got all screwed up the first time I had sex. As I'm writing that I can feel how I fragmented in the resulting series of experiences. My whole world and life was falling apart, as what I thought was love, wasn't…. and wasn't going to evolve as I had hoped.
I’ve written about this experience in my manuscript, but I’ll give the basic details so that you will know where I’m coming from. I was 22 years old at the time and this was my first girl friend. It turned out that the first time that I/we had sex, she got pregnant. That was the one and only time we had sex as her parents forbade her from seeing me and made plans for her to go to another city to have the baby and then give it up for adoption. We had talked about marriage before we had sex but she didn’t want to get married and she didn’t want to go against her parents’ wishes, so that left me out of the picture.
I was ashamed to stay and face and deal with this issue that to me… was without a good solution. That was also the time that I decided to take up a career in electronics and I moved to Toronto to get a fresh start. I didn’t know anyone in Toronto and I had no job and only a little money. It was at this time, and the only time in my life that I ever thought of suicide.
Humm, there's also a lot of denied and anger and rage there that I have forgotten, or rather, have tried to forget… Humm… I can feel that having sex was also a way of releasing tension and stress just like exercise or any other physical activity. And if it wasn't with a partner, then it was by myself until I felt good. Wow! I'm just beginning to feel how much I've abused my Body using sex to "feel good" and relieve stress thinking that was love…
Here I had sex for the first time as an expression of love and after that, I just had sex to "feel good" and to think I was being loved or loving another or myself… Fucked up programming or what???