’07 Nov 05 I've been "off" for a few days… feeling disconnected. I go between feeling numb to feeling heartbreak and then to a weird form of anger and rage.
I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and he's going to do a biopsy on my mark that appears to be getting bigger. I have a fear that it's cancerous and as it's so close to my genitals that I could also could have prostrate cancer and maybe it's even spread into my Lymph system.
I also have a feeling of what's the use__ why fight? Why struggle to heal if you only end up dying by some hideous disease that eats away at you until you are not able to physically survive.
That then leads to a feeling of heartbreak. If I can't help myself, then I can't help others. And where is God and why does he allow this to happen? And if God doesn't care and can't help me, then what's the point?
And then it's back to anger and rage at God and since I can't do anything to God. I go numb…
Maybe it's all a projection and it's not reality? Maybe and maybe not?
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As I typed that I remembered how I felt the same way about God when our family was excommunicated from the Catholic Church because of what I did or rather didn’t do. That’s another story that I’m not going to go into at this time.
I keep getting the feeling that “Ja kar far qua” is around me and that he has something to do with my mind going numb. I was in a text chat with a friend and the name came up again. It sounded vaguely familiar so afterwards I checked my list of entities that have been around me in the past and sure enough Jakar was there. He is associated with manipulation, illusionists, hope and faith. I feel that the name “Far qua” is another entity that is his partner.
4:44 pm I felt a brief moment of wanting to be held and cradled and then I wanted the nurturing and loving care of a Mother. That’s one thing that I haven’t experienced… I was going to say in this life time, but I felt that it was bigger than that and that it’s something that I’ve never experienced in all my existence.
8:12 pm I was having a shower and I was feeling how this is all about survival and the feeling of wanting to live yet at the same time feeling that life or rather a happy and loving life is not what one is supposed to have as there is also the feeling that there is no acceptance from God or you or your plight. You want and desire love and life but all that you’re able to experience is the opposite.