Post 221 Desire to live? – No “life” in my life

A couple of months back I wrote a few thoughts on desire and love in little pocket note book that I carry with me to work. In it, I wrote that I feel that my desire is wrong and that the program I have is that what I desire isn’t right.

As I typed the above for this blog post I heard my mother’s voice and her cutting words, “be grateful for what you have, the roof over your head, the clothes on your back and the food on the table. There are a lot of kids out there that don’t have what you have so be grateful for what you have and stop your whining and complaining" — Guilt is what she gave me there instead of love and the truth. The truth was that we didn’t have the money so that we could have and do what others had and could do, but she was feeling guilty and too ashamed and proud to admit it so she quilted and blamed our desire as wrong.

Others oppose, or deny my desire because they have no acceptance for it.

As I typed in the above sentence I felt that this is another program I have, in that I can’t be the leader, that I have to be a follower because my ideas and desires are not good enough or right and that others are better than me because their ideas and desires are accepted whereas mine are rejected and shunned.

I also have another program in that I need acceptance of my desire (by others) before I can even accept it, and isn’t that just fucked up!

Desire is like unconditional live. It’s all about YOU and what you want and desire and not about what makes others people happy. As I wrote that in my book, I heard a soft voice ask. “You have desire to heal, but do you have the desire to live?

Unconditional Love is a state of being, being in the present moment without expectation or condition. Unconditional love sees joy and happiness in the present moment and in all past moments.

Whereas, conditional love is based on our imprints, programs and beliefs and on the past as it has expectations on any future experiences based and referenced to the past. The “now” or present moment is not being lived or experienced as it is being used to either re-live a past experience that brought pleasure, or, if there is a fear and an undesirable issue, then the present moment is used to find ways in which not to re-live the past experiences.

A few days ago when I got the insight that I mentioned in Post 212 a friend commented on my other blog in Tribe and said… “Perhaps the next step is to be passionate about being passionate and love loving and living! Since you have no fear of fear it should be a fun and joyous ride!” I feel that comment also ties in with what is going on now.

Once I clear my old imprints, programs and beliefs of what my desires are based on making other people happy, then may desire will be like a blank canvas, limited only to my imagination.


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