Dec 19 Tuesday, I was talking with a friend on the phone today and as we were chatting, she was picking up on my daughter, or what she felt as my daughter, as the feeling was of being depressed and wanting “daddy”.
I flashed back to when she was a child and she'd come running toward me full speed when I’d walk through the door after getting home form work. I’d bend down to greet her and she would literally leap into my arms and throw her arms around my neck and squeezed me with all her tiny might as she kissed me on the check with pressed lips. She never wanted to let go and often I had to tickle her in order to get her to release her hold on my neck which at times was beginning to choke me. She would then take my hand and begin to show me all the things that she had been doing that day and to also play with her.
I miss that little girl. I miss my son too. I was telling my friend that when my son was ten and my daughter five, was also the time that my marriage and career was on the rocks. I was torn between getting a divorce, but I had too much guilt around leaving the children so I carried on for another nine years. I couldn’t get a job in Cable TV, so I focused on starting my own Cable TV planning and design consulting business called “Systems 80”. I threw myself into the business to avoid having to face and deal with the “home” issues. In three years, the business grew to 12 employees, but no amount of money made my wife or our life happy.
As I shared that with my friend I realized that I was pushing love out of my life, so that I could earn money, so that I could have love in my life. And what a fucking joke that is! My friend said that that is what we do at Christmas… we are buying love and thinking that when we are giving and getting presents, we are giving and getting love.
Later, that afternoon, I felt I needed to connect with my daughter and I called her when she got home from work, but she was just on the way out to do some shopping for “presents”.