Post 227 Trying to live by avoiding that which gives you life.

07 Dec 19 I was exploring a NewAge web site called New Heart and I came across some channeled messages that activated me. By activate, I mean that bits and pieces of various messages seemed to be directed toward me. One such message was related to asking to be filled with the light of love of the Father.

During the early part of my journey I used to channel and get messages almost every day, but these past few years, I have done very little channeling. I felt that as I haven’t been open to channeling like I used to, that this was a way of getting the message to me.

I decided I was going to channel to see what my issues were as they related to the various messages that I had read on the website I mentioned. As I went into my meditative/channeling state, I felt that the issue I needed to address was one of asking, asking to be filled with light. I felt myself in terror, resisting and trying to get out of this meditation, and I was also feeling utter heartbreak and loss. I don’t know how long I drifted back and forth between the two, all I know was that I had a difficult time “asking” but I finally asked what it was that I wanted and desired.

I finally spoke out loud. “I want my father, but I don’t want to be smacked by him, I want his love.”

The next moment I felt a familiar warm presence around me and I began to write the following message.

“Yes – what you desire is love, love from Spirit, love that you have never known. It was a cruel smack that knocked you out of creation, a creation not of unconditional love, but was to become filled instead with conditional love that I had acceptance for. You (parts of you) were either killed, knocked unconscious or found yourself in a creation where there was no love for you and that your desire and dreams were wrong and were all too feminine and soft coming from a man. You also had issues with being a woman and expressing yourself as you were considered to be beside yourself, or too emotionally extreme.

No matter what you did or said, nothing was good enough as you could never please those that God “Father” seemed to favor. To be like them was also impossible for you because you weren’t them, of their essence, and so you were a square peg trying to fit in a round hole, and to do that, to try to fit, you needed to cut and chip off pieces of yourself. But that only seemed to temporarily solve the problem as they still recognized you as being different and no matter how you smoothed and polished your rough cut edges, the scares were still there, the scars that represented the lost parts of you.

You also turned toward and against your mother and blamed her for your feelings and you inability to be accepted by the Father. And so you struggled to live as best you could on your own, doing it for and by yourself, as there was no help for you, and any help was not the way that you desired.

Struggling to find a family, a home, to find love and happiness was to you, chasing a dream, just out of reach of your two empty arms, that long to hold and to be held…

*** I began to cry and then feel numb, but I continued to write.***

Searching, fragmenting, cutting off pieces of yourself, making yourself smaller and smaller, making your life essence, your light, smaller and smaller, and at the same time, beginning to age and bring illness and finally death to your body.

Without Light, Spirit, your body can’t function, can’t live and so you have been trying to live by avoiding that which gives you life. Is that not a cruel joke and irony?

It is time to let go, to let go of your hate, your mistrust for Spirit, for Father, and to trust your feelings, your intuition that the Light that comes to you now, comes to you in love. Trust your feelings and intuition, for that is why you needed to heal and align with the Mother, before you could begin to align with Me, your Father.”

As I finished writing I had an emotional release. Tears filled my eyes; my breath was short and gasping as I sobbed. At first, I couldn’t ask God “Father” for Light as I felt that the reason he abandoned me was because he didn’t love me. But then, I felt his love and I knew that that was not the truth… I asked and I felt enlightened. I rested for a moment before I shared part of my message and experience with the friend that had also activated in a related issue, the day earlier (Post 226) in that “I was pushing love out of my life, so that I could earn money, so that I could have love in my life.

JR

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