’07 Dec 28 I feel that besides “false emotions” another aspect of the False Will is false desire. The desire that I feel is false is the one that while it may be felt and given conditional “feeling” acceptance, there is no “real” feeling or desire present, only one that agrees with the Mind to make the Mind feel that it’s ideas are right. It’s like a dutiful wife saying to her controlling husband, “Yes dear, that would be nice,” and that’s as far as it goes as there is no “real” desire, no magnetic Will energy on her part to manifest the ideas of Spirit or Mind. She’s only pretends to desire what the Spirit (Mind) to avoid conflict and so she is deemed by her husband to be a “nice” and “good” and angelic wife.
I feel that part of the issue is that it’s a test of the Will to see if Spirit (Mind) is really sincere, as when the Will feels denials, she backs off and only gives a presentation image of what she feels she needs to do or say to maintain the status guo and so the reality is that there is little or no real desire in what is manifested as it wasn’t expressed unconditionally by Spirit (Mind) or felt and accepted unconditionally by the Will (feelings and intuition).
I feel it is also part of lost hopes, dreams and desires and now I’m feeling it in the body, a body that is no longer able to manifest or enjoy what Spirit / Will desire, even it was to be real.
“Too soon old… too late Smart” is a saying that my father used to say at times, and I feel it’s so true. You send your entire life time chasing a false dream and in the process, you run down and destroy your body that is the only thing that could give it to you. To use another quote, “You don’t miss the water until the well runs dry.”
10:38 pm There’s personal Lost Will (my lost intuition, feelings and emotions) that has been lost in this lifetime and also in past lives and then there’s Lost Will, the part of the Divine Will that has never know love or life that has been lost from the Will, (the Mother) of Creation.
Hummm? I just felt how my Spirit also feels lost in that he never really felt supported to live and that it’s always been a struggle just trying to survive.
My Body is weak and hurting. My muscles and bones all ache and I have sharp shooting pains in my head, starting at my temples, crossing the tops of my eyes and then up to almost the top of my head. I also feel that my entire spine, from the tip of my tail bone to the inside of my skull is out of alignment and is being worked on. It feels like my spine has all these roots and root hairs (nerves) that penetrate into every part of my body, it’s like a tree, is a best as I can describe how everything is connected to the spine.
I feel that what I’m working on now is desire. Not the desire that I’ve know, but something new. I can’t put my finger on it or find the words to express it, but I can feel its presence and it fill me with awe.