’08 Jan 07 11:30 pm I’m frustrated as I feel that I’ve wasted and frittered away another day. I say that because I’m not working on my books or web-sites or even on myself and my issues… (Although this is also an issue) I feel that I’m off in some “la la land”, in this space in which I feel stuck, without direction and without the Will, or energy to move, as I don’t know how to move or where to move to.
I feel caught between the old world with it’s old imprints, programs, beliefs and habits and in creating a New World., one that I have no clue as to what, where or even why or how to create it. I occupy my present space and time doing mindless, meaningless repetitive tasks that create the “illusion” of life and living my desire.
The question is; how do I get across or out of this place? It’s like I’m in this huge fog and I can’t see more than my arms length in front of me. There’s no path that I can see as I can’t see the ground as my feet are lost from view in the fog. What and where is this place? Although I feel lost and alone, at this moment, I don’t feel frightened, just confused and disoriented.
2:46 am Another aspect of being in this “in-between” space is that I can’t be physically active. I can’t exercise or do physical things because my body has been sick and is still sick and weak. I feel that if I could exercise, that I’d feel more active and creative and physically able to move, to get me moving out of this space. I don’t have the energy, not only to exercise, but to even mentally move around in a way that is not a struggle and an effort.
It’s ironic to say this but I feel more comfortable when I feel that I’m being attacked, pressured and when my issues button are being pressed and my feelings and emotions are being activated by someone one or something. Like I mentioned before, this issue is also pressing my buttons but what I feel I’m experiencing is the opposite, as I don’t feel attacked and I don’t really feel activated by someone or something that I can put my finger on, but yet it’s something. I can’t seem to grasp it with my Feelings, Body or Mind although all are aware if “it”, this nothing, this void, that has silently and stealth-fully slipped itself around me and has seemed to cut me off.
What is this thing, this place, this space that I’m in and why can’t I feel and understand it, to move it out and off of me? Is this an aspect of death that I’m feeling? Or… am I beginning to get in touch with the lost parts of me that have been in this place for what seems and feels like an eternity. This place is a place of nothing, no-thing; void of thought, feeling and physical sensations.