’08 March 21 Friday. Yesterday when I started work, the boss approached me and asked me what was wrong in that I hadn’t been my old self the past couple of days. I had been waiting for a moment to approach her when she wasn’t busy with customers and while she surprised me; I opened up and told her what was bugging me. I also told her that I knew that all this was reflecting something about me, and that she and the others were just activating me into my issues.
She did her best to assure me that what I was doing was important and that I was part of the team, and while it felt comforting to have someone speak out and accept me and what I was doing, something was still missing, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. While I had a mental understanding that it wasn’t about them accepting me, I still didn’t get it.
This morning as I was having breakfast I “felt” what was missing as I realized that it wasn’t about them (the women at work accepting me) because I’m different and not one of them or their group. It’s about me accepting me, that I’m different and not one of them or their group.
It’s the exact opposite of what I thought it was when I was activated, but until I was able to begin to express what I was feeling, I couldn’t get to the real issues. And yes, they have their roots in this lifetime, in my childhood and when I started school and has remained with me all my life until now. I’ve always been trying to be “part of” or be accepted by the others, to be part of a group and I’ve never found one that accepted me, or found one that I felt comfortable with and accepted them. I also tried everything I knew to try to impress them as a way to accept me, or to do the opposite and show them that I didn’t need them and prove them wrong by making my mark in the world in spite of them.
So who am I? What group do I belong to? Am I always going to be on the outside looking in? At this moment all these questions don’t really matter as this experience is yet another form of self-acceptance. I feel a sense of inner peace knowing that everything I’ve worked for and prepared myself for in this life and in past lives, no longer matters. That the goal in life is no longer about being accepted and recognized and in leaving my mark to prove that I had worth and that I was here. The meaning and purpose of life is to experience it.
I feel kind of blank at the moment, more like a blank slate as I feel that Life as I know it is about to change….