Post 285 Quitting my job and moving on

’08 Apr 14 3:06 am Moving has been coming up for a while now and today I told Marian that I was thinking of quitting my job and moving out this summer. When I told her that, she said that because I wouldn’t have a job, she would reduce my rent by $50.00/month. When I told her that it wasn’t just about quitting my part time job, but that I was also going to be leaving, she became upset and when off into a rant saying that she was going to be selling the townhouse as she couldn’t afford to carry it on her own.

I told her that she could get another border and she said that she didn’t want to go through that again, and in the same breath, she also said it was no use painting and decorating if I was going to be leaving and she was going to sell… In other words.. she was trying to “guilt” me into staying.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to quit my job and move as I’m “comfortable,” but I also know that feeling “comfortable” is also a trap because the underlying issue is that I don’t want to feel…”uncomfortable”…. A part of me doesn’t want to get into an uncomfortable situation or experience, to leave what is known and safe and go into the unknown. In other words, it’s about “letting go” of attachments of not wanting to change.

Huummmm. That takes me back to my childhood and my issues with having our family move when I was in grades 6,7,8,9,10. I was bulled from my first day in school until I was finally big enough to stand up to the bullies in grade 6. Then just when I began to feel comfortable and safe, we moved to the city, new home, neighborhood and school. We moved each year of five years and the whole bully issue would come up each time that we moved until Grade 10…

Ahhhh! As I was typing this up for my blog, I just realized that it was in Grade 10 that I got my drivers license and my first car… and I’ve had a vehicle ever since. That’s also when I was able to get away, not only from the bullies in school and also from my parents. So this also relates to my issues with my truck and freedom… Now I just have to figure it all out and allow myself to heal this…

JR

’08 Apr 14 4:08 am I feel that another aspect of this issue is about feeling guilty in leaving people that need and depend on me, that have acceptance for me, even if it is limited and conditional.

I know that at work, the boss will feel bad that I’m going to be quitting, as does Marian at the thought of me leaving. But for both of them, it’s not really about me, but about what I was doing for them. In the same way, the job gave me extra money and in exchange for that money, Marian gave me shelter. I work to earn money and then give money in exchange for a place to stay and also for food and other things.

People “needing” me also gives me a “false” sense of worth, of value, that I’m helping “others” and that I’m useful and have a purpose in this world…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s