’08 May 30 Friday. When I left work three weeks ago, one of the women gave me a gift certificate for a massage and I had made an appointment to get it today. I had been feeling pretty good, that was until yesterday afternoon when I began to get a sore neck, shoulders and then it moved down my back. When she was giving me a back massage, I was either getting flash-back images or my body was jerking and twitching as it was moving the energy out.
At one point I felt my mother grab me by my shoulder and the back of the neck to try to get me to do what she wanted. I could feel the pain in my body as her claw like fingers dug into my neck and shoulder muscles. I also flashed back to the bullies at school bending my arm behind me so that they could take me down and beat on me with my face in the dirt and my arm still locked behind my shoulder.
I also relived my anger and rage at my mother when she shoved a wad of cotton batten into my mouth to stop me from crying. I was an infant and I was crying because I was sick and in physical pain. I also realized that the imprint I got from that experience was to keep my mouth shut and don’t complain if your body hurts and is in pain.
At the very end of the massage I felt a release in that I while I had been working on loving myself, it was now time to begin to open myself to experience others loving me without condition or expectation. I also realized that I was pushing love away because I felt that if they loved me, that they would also be rejected and hurt and so to protect them, I pushed them out of what I thought was harms way, and in the process, leaving me alone and feeling unloved. I also felt and I let go of the guilt that said that I can’t be loved, that I don’t deserve love or that anyone that loves me will get the same treatment as I do. That also was part of an imprint I had with the abuse I received as a child as anyone that sided with me was also punished.