’08 Sept 10 2:40 am I woke up thinking of what it would be like meeting Diane and what issues that was going to bring up as I was already feeling a lot of things after I had read her Bio. I felt I wasn’t good enough, that she had a university degree and was a lawyer, and had been on, and is on, various boards and that she was successful and had money. I was comparing myself to her and feeling inferior, and a failure, as in the eyes of society, she is a perfect example of what it means to be successful while I, on the other hand, am at the other end of the social ladder.
I’m flashing back to high school when I felt the same way when I was attracted to a pretty, smart, but also rich girl, who like me, but as I was poor I was ashamed of not only myself, but my family. Again, I was comparing my family (poor) to her family (rich) as that we lived in two different worlds and that I wasn’t in her league and that I couldn’t make her happy as I couldn’t give her what she was used to having.
Now I’m flashing back to grade school. I didn’t know if the girl’s parents had money or not, but when I realized that we (I) was poor and the charity case of relatives, friends and neighbors who helped us out when my dad was sick for over a year and couldn’t work. It was also foreign to have someone like me and be nice to me, as that was not what I was accustomed to. All this was happening soon after I had beat up the bullies that had been hounding me for six years.
3:00 am I have a social belief that a man has to be the provider, that he has to make the money to support his family, wife and kids. Hummmm? That’s the program I had with Marian (ex-wife) and having to provide her with all the things that made her happy, so that I would be happy.
Hummm? There’s another issue in that she is younger than me and again that is a social no- no, as you have to “act” your age and be with people your own age. There’s shame involved here, in that the social age gap is based on social standards, ethics and morals, and the larger the age gap, the more the issue.
I just had an image flash of Diane as a tiger. Hummm? It’s interesting as I feel that we have similar desires and indent but we are on opposite sides or ends. She has a BA in psychology, practicing what she has been taught, and I’m into psychology, but by experiencing and working on my issues. She’s a lawyer, helping abused people that have so-called mental issues, and I’m helping others that have emotional and mental issues. She‘s working at treating the symptoms of the issue, while I’m working at healing the cause of the issue. She’s into politics to change the world, and I’m into changing myself, to change my reality… Similar but different.