’08 Nov 16 3:52 am Another thing that Irene and I talked about was about my issues with Marian regarding power and control and my not helping her. I told her that I felt my not helping her was mostly associated with issues of guilt that would say that I should be nice, kind, or that I was more capable of doing a task than she was, etc… and that the reason I refused to help her was that I wasn’t going to buy into guilt when helping her wasn’t what I wanted to do in that moment.
I now think that my issues of power and control might also have to do with denied rage of my Will. This rage doesn’t strike first and attack another like Spirit rage; it’s the rage that when attacked, wants to get revenge, to attack back, to let the other person feel what it feels like to receive what they gave. It wants to get even for the unloving thing that has been done to it, it’s the old “eye for an eye” mentality.
This denied Will rage isn’t obvious like denied Spirit rage that uses threats, intimidation and force to get what it wants. This rage is quiet, but just as deadly. I can feel it now, or rather, I’m beginning to feel it for what it is and not for what I thought was a part of my Will defending itself, and because it’s quiet and feeling the opposite of how denied Spirit rage presents itself, I’ve not felt or thought that it was denied rage. It’s interesting how I missed that, but with my denied Will rage in a position of power, my Will and her real rage are not able to move.
Also when I spoke to Irene, she said that the pain I was feeling in my body was where my denied Will’s rage is being kept. Ahhh! I just felt how this relates to sex and where denied Spirit rage just goes out for a rage f**k and will do anything and anybody it can, to get what it wants, a sexual energy release.
I just flashed back to the first night of our honeymoon, I told Marian how happy I was and how I felt we were best friends and lovers and that now, we were also husband and wife, and eventually, we’d become parents and more. She turned to me and emphatically told me that she wasn’t my friend or lover, that she was my wife and that I was her husband, and that I had better get used to that. I didn’t know what to think or feel at the time as I was flooded with thoughts and feelings, but now feel that I seriously fragmented that night as we never had sex until three days after our wedding. We were also never close friends like we were before we got married, although now I realized we pretended to be.
That night, I was in shock, confused and disoriented, I didn’t know what to do as now everything I thought, and felt was real, was not what it had appeared to be. I feel that my denied Spirit rage made the first decision and that was to be what society expects a husband to be and that now, as a husband, I can get sex whenever I want. While I didn’t like how denied Spirit rage felt in “taking” what he wanted in a show of anger and intimidation, I did use more “acceptable” ways to get what I wanted without having to use physical force to over-power and get what I wanted.
But when that would fail and I couldn’t get enough release, then my denied Will’s rage would silently surface to do or get what my denied Spirits rage couldn’t get, to release the stress and tension that was being felt in my Body as the result of my denials. My denied Will’s rage was programmed into saying that I don’t need you as a wife, I can do it myself. So as long as I was married, it was either one or the other that was in control of my sex life. Hummm? Both were using my Body as an outlet for this form of denied rage so it’s no wonder that this denied Will rage is stored in my Body. While my denied Spirit rage went out and attacked and tried to control another, my denied Will rage, attacked and controlled me.
Ahhh! Sex was a way to relieve tension, pressure and stress, so when my denials built up, or I was confused or in doubt and I wasn’t able or willing to express myself in the way I needed to, then I’d express myself in a way that I could and that was through sex. As I was writing this, I felt that sex is associated with the kundalini energy, the life force but when either denied Spirit or Will rage are in control, then this sexual energy is released in a twisted and unloving manner.
Humm. As I was typing this for my blog I just saw the association between eating food and sex as both involve denials, frustration, confusion and not being in control, and both are a “quick fix.” This may not make any sense to you unless you are working with they “Right use of Will” RUOW books as some of this is related to that material.