’08 Dec 25 9:21 am Marian was up earlier and had already had her breakfast, and was reading the local paper at the kitchen table. As I sat down to eat my breakfast she commented on "having" to get the car mirror fixed and on “having” to do it when she was going to Toronto in early January and that she would "have" to do it before her 3:00 pm appointment, and that she "had" to get it fixed before it would cause other problems, with snow and water getting in to the electrical system. She put emphasis on the key words like it was a great sacrifice on her part, that had to be noted
As she was speaking I felt this yucky "tone" in her voice and later I got what my real issues are. I felt that "I" did something wrong and that other people have to live with, or fix what I did. It’s a blame and guilt trip that says I am responsible, not only for what I break, but also for making other people happy, and that it’s my fault that they are not happy.
It’s my fault that she is inconvenienced and it’s my fault for whatever she wants to come up with that she can and will use against me, and the fact that it was me that broke the mirror and caused whatever it is she feels is related to that. Whatever goes wrong, can always be traced back to my breaking the mirror and blaming me for the problem.
Make one mistake and you’ll pay for it for the rest of your life. A part of me, my denied rage says just give her the fucking money and get her off your back and end this bullshit. I know that that is not the solution and that even if I did “buy” my way out, she would still use it as a “remember when” to get at me in some other way.
This also reminds me of my childhood, when I’d have an accident or make a mistake and my mother would never let me forget it. It was the ammunition she used to ensure that I would do as I was told and do it the way that pleased her.
Hummmmm? this also has links to the catholic church, as it wasn’t just a matter of doing something physically wrong or having an accident, but it also involved all the religious BS and dogma of how I was supposed to behave according to the church and the word of god. One wrong look or action was enough to be caught in the grips of the unholy alliance (church and mother) and I’d be marked as a sinner that then had to redeem himself. As I’m typing this, I’m angry at the hypocrisy of religion, that forces it’s totalitarian dogma and control on its unwitting subjects in the name of love… It’s not love, it’s fucking hate and indifference, disguised as love.
10:00 am Marian came into my room and told me that she had unpacked a couple of totes and some boxes and that now she "needs" shelves put up, so that she can unpack the rest of the stuff. When she said "I need," the feeling tone and the unspoken words were… "I need you do put up the shelves." In other words, she expects me to fulfill her wants and "needs" and while it wasn’t said, I could also feel the feeling coming from her that I owe her, as that was all she said to me and she turned and left my room and went upstairs, not even waiting for an answer.