’09 Jan 17 Yesterday when I was making supper, Marian came up and asked me if I was making cabbage soup, while looking into the open pot of potatoes that was boiling on the stove. I said,” No, you can see they’re potatoes, but I did make and ate a little coleslaw as a side dish.” She replied, “Isn’t coleslaw bad for you? You had problems with cabbage, why are you eating it when you know it isn’t good for you? Why aren’t you….. ”
At that point I lost it and snapped at her and told her to f**k off and get away from me. She said, “I was only trying to be nice and start a conversation.” I told her that I didn’t have the time, or the desire to “shit chat” and to answer her dumb questions when she was looking in the pot, seeing potatoes, yet asking if I was making cabbage soup, when there was no cabbage in sight. I also didn’t feel like justifying my eating habits to her or her chastising me for eating a little cabbage. Sure I had an issue with cabbage last year, but I was eating it like crazy for a couple of months and I don’t plan on doing that again. “She didn’t say a word but took off like a shot.
After supper, I apologized, saying that her comments and questions annoyed me as I felt she knew the answer, but was playing dumb just to strike up a conversation. She denied that she knew what was in the pot, and just assumed I was making cabbage soup as she saw me unpack it when I came back from shopping in the afternoon.
6:33 pm I’ve been curt with a few people the past few days, not only Marian, as I find I have no patience for small talk or “shit chat” as I call it, or for people that know the answers, but still ask questions. A few minutes ago I realized why I feel that way about others is because I’m doing the same thing to myself that I’m accusing them of doing. I know I need to work on my next book and while I know, I’m not doing it. Instead I’m shit chatting with others that are doing the same thing I am, and when I do, I’m pissed off at them for wasting my time when in reality, it’s me, wasting my time.
Part of it is also about diverting myself or allowing myself to be diverted. When I feel stressed and overwhelmed with the book I look for a diversion, something that will take my mind away from feeling confused and having to deal with the unknown of how I’m going to put it all together. So taking a break and getting a cup of coffee or tea, or something to eat, or anything, is a way to not feel what I was feeling.