‘09 April 14 Along with self-sacrifice, trust is a big issue as people are afraid to trust themselves, to express themselves without fear of confrontation or conflict that will, in their mind, only make matters worse, as it brings up the issues and fears of the unknown.
Because you don’t trust yourself, you don’t trust others. When you don’t trust yourself you fall into the old golden rule program of “do unto others as you would have others do unto you” game. In your mind you then think that other people need to “prove” themselves trustworthy to you before you trust them. If however, you would like to have a relationship with another person (expectations) you also try to prove yourself trustworthy to them so that they will accept you and therefore meet your expectations. You do this by being nice, kind, considerate, sharing, caring, understanding, giving, loving, and whatever other actions that you feel will win their confidence and trust, yet all of these characteristics are forms of denial and self-sacrifice.
You expect others to be truthful and honest, yet you also expect them to trust your lies and denials while you are pretending to be real and genuine. They of course are also playing the same game and the charade lasts only for so long until the real issues are exposed and then you have conflict and the illusion of trust is shattered. You then strain to seek a compromise solution, but the issues of trust can’t be restored, as now that experience is locked (because of denial) in the respective memories for future reference.
But all along, it’s not about trusting the other person, or vice versa, but about trusting yourself enough to express what you are feeling in the moment you are feeling it. Being honest and forthright will not make many friends, but then again, neither will you be playing the lie and denial game nor will you be attracting those who are not honest and sincere.
Another issue that is associated with trust is that of withdrawing and shutting yourself off from possible hurt. You put up walls and shields that you feel will protect you from those that are unknown and that you don’t trust. Having the belief that you need a shield or a protective bubble is especially true if you have been hurt in a relationship. The trouble with shields and bubbles is that while it may be keeping others out, it is also effective in keeping you locked in.Even when you begin to trust another, there is always the doubt or fear that “they” will betray and turn against you or abandon you. Before another person can betray you, you will have already betrayed yourself by not expressing your doubts, and feelings and emotions in the moment you had them. Hindsight will always reveal that you “knew,” but knowing the truth was not what you wanted and so you accepted the denials that were given as truth, and then you got hurt.
“When in doubt,
instead of giving the other person the benefit of the doubt,
give it to yourself"….JR