'09 June 09 Yesterday Marian cut the grass. She hadn’t cut it for about 10 days, but I wasn’t going to do it for her as it’s not my responsibility and I also don’t want to do it. There is also a weeks worth of dog shit on the lawn that needs to be picked up before cutting the grass. When she had finished, she told me that she still had or do the edges and that the garden was really getting overgrown with weeds. She also mentioned that as she was cutting the grass that she ran over a few piles of doggie do that she missed picking up as the grass was tall. I went out later and I could not only smell, but see dog shit all over the place. I doubt if she even picked up half of it, but anyway, it’s her yard.
I also felt she was fishing and hinting, hoping that I would say that I would do the edging or weed the garden. It’s hard not stepping in and doing something when you feel and know that she is tired and hurting, BUT if I was to do it, I also know that she would be off doing something else as suddenly she would be OK. She can be in pain and hardly able to walk one moment, and then she would be off shopping for a couple of hours, and then come back and complain again.
She also wants things done, but she doesn’t know how to do it herself, or even how to look after and maintain what she wants. She expects others (me) to do it to make her happy and she plays the “oh poor me” to get it. Oh poor me I don’t know how, Oh poor me, I’m sick, Oh poor me I don’t have the money, Oh poor me I don’t have the time, Oh poor me, and the list goes on an on. I overheard her telling a lady friend that she hadn’t cut the grass for a few days because she was too busy helping so and so, or doing this for that person. She was justifying her not doing her chores, by doing good deeds and that because she sacrifices herself to help others, she feels that others (me) should sacrifice myself to please her, the old Golden rule again and also using people.
This “Oh poor me” is an outstanding issue related to our marriage in that I used to do whatever I could to make her happy. I’d sacrifice myself so that she could do, and have what she wanted. And of course, if she was happy so was I, as she wasn’t bitching and moaning and groaning about the things that she wanted, or wanted to do, but couldn’t until I fixed her problems. Making her happy gave me temporary peace. Guilt and shame was making me feel responsible for her problems and happiness and I sacrificed my happiness, to make her happy.
This “Oh Poor Me” is a complicated issue for me as it involves wanting to help others that need help and also involves the desire to be a protector and savior, a knight in shiny armor, saving the fair damsel, the innocent child, the cripple, the elderly, the weak, sick and the poor. Of course all these noble “causes” have a host of unseen issues like expectations, guilt, shame, judgments, denial and of being in control and having power.
Under this helping and saving others is also denied rage at being “taken” at being used and abused that wants to lash out but is also denied because guilt and shame stop any rage expression. Under the denied rage is self-sacrifice in the “name” of love, which is not love, self -love. If the self sacrificing stopped, there is no denied rage as one would not feel used and abused. Letting go of guilt and shame releases the “responsibility” of having to save and protect and to make other people happy, that then allows you to be free to enjoy what you desire and what makes you happy. There are many layers to this “Oh Poor Me” issue, and I need to go through it one step at a time to see where my denials that need to be ended.