2010 May 13 Watching the Janie Cutler YouTube video clip (Post 638) activated me into my heartbreak. It wasn’t so much while she was singing, but when she finished, and then hearing “the Mull of Kintyre” playing in the background as the judges were waiting for the applause to stop, that really got to me and brought tears to my eyes. I was remembering that as a child, I loved to sing, but that I was scolded by my mother and told not to sing or hum. She said that signing or humming to yourself was a sign that you were crazy, or that you were going to marry a crazy woman. While my mother didn’t accepted my singing and humming, she did accept or tolerate me whistling.
In school, I was also told not to sing, but to move my lips and pretend that I was singing. I remember being in the Christmas choir and feeling heartbroken when others beside and around me could sing, but I had to remain silent.
Since those early days, I’ve never allowed myself to sing, or even hum for fear of being ridiculed. There are times when I’d begin to sing, but as soon as I’d feel the song and raise my voice and feel the vibration in my throat, I’d shut myself down, go off key and stop in frustration. It’s funny that all my life I have been able to whistle a tune and people have praised my whistling. Even a professional music teacher that I met later in life complimented me after she heard me whistling while I was working in her home. She said that I never missed a beat, or note and that it was beautiful to hear. Of course, she asked me why I didn’t sing, and that brought up a lot of shame.