2010 Sept 30 As I was reviewing my recent blog posts I realized that while I’ve been seeing how other people manifested, and are manifesting their denials, I totally missed the point that all this is actually an opportunity for me to see that “other people are you,” and to get me to see how I’m manifesting my own denials. I also realized that my current issues involve the unseen role of denial that needs to be addressed. The car expenses are activating me as it’s taking a lot of money to fix things that are suddenly going wrong. So why is this an issue for me? What does the car mean to me? So what are my denials?
The first thought/feeling was freedom. I flashed back to not being able to get away from the school bullies or from my parents rule, and how when I got my first car, a 1950 Plymouth, I also got my freedom and a sense of protection, a sanctuary, a movable fortress. Before I got my car, it was my bike that offered me freedom. So now, not having a vehicle frightens me as I’m remembering all the times when I had no freedom, no power, no control, no protection and no sanctuary.
So that’s my issue, that’s what I’m denying and that’s the part of me that still has me trapped in the love of power cycle and experiencing my denials, instead of manifesting and experiencing what I desire with the power of love.
I stopped writing as I got distracted and lost my train of thought.
So what am I feeling? Having no freedom means that I’m at the mercy of other people. I need to depend on them to take me anywhere and if it’s people I know, then I have to be “nice” to them or they won’t help me and I’ll have to do without, or find another way. There is also fear of the unknown involved as what will happen if I don’t have a vehicle? These are projections and judgments.
There’s a part of me yelling at me that it doesn’t want to go back there, it was hell. That’s my Mind talking as he felt and feels trapped, not only by what was happening on the outside, but also from the feelings and emotions that he couldn’t escape from, at least, not at first. There wasn’t any real freedom until I got my car and then my Mind saw a way out, to escape from both my outer as well as my inner conflict, that of my feelings and emotions. So that means that there are 16 years of repressed feelings and emotions that I need to address that led to the split and fragmentation of my consciousness.
Wow! This feels HUGE!
It’s not just the first 16 years of my life, but also all the other times that I used my vehicle as an escape from my feelings and emotions.
Oct 01 3:00 am Part and parcel of having freedom and power is wrapped up in MONEY. As in having money, you also have freedom and power and not having money means the opposite.
So as a child, once I understood what being poor was like, and the feelings associated with that, I struggled and worked to make money so that I could have and do the things that other people had and that I thought would make me happy.
So having to work and spend money on car repairs means that I can’t save the money for my move out West, and instead, have to spend it on repairs. That is also what is activating me as I see my sense of power and freedom being eroded by a lack of money. I still love the power of money. I seek it, desire it, and also, in a weird and twisted manner, I equate money with love, which is totally the opposite of what love really is.
Boy, is this (me) screwed up!