2010 Oct 07 Friday This morning, just 30 seconds after starting work, I was activated into an old, unresolved issue I had forgotten about. We had just begun to sort the millet and the picker (the person that picks up the bundles from the sorters) was making his first pick-up, and as he got to me he commented that I was slacking on my job. Although he had made that comment several times in the days before, it never activated me as it did this morning. In the past, it was always said in a jokey manner as he knew full well what I was doing, and why I didn’t have any Millet for him to pick up, but his comment this morning was made just as we started work. He said it in a tone and manner that I felt was hostile and unloving, and it instantly brought up my childhood memories of being attacked for not being good enough, that I could always do better, be faster, etc..
As I handed him my millet, I expressed myself and I not only told him what he could do with himself, but I also stated what memories and emotions that the comment brought up in me. Although he was busy collecting millet, I continued to express my childhood experiences, like doing chores where my mother and father were always looking for more, and all under the so-called loving guise of building a good work ethic and drive in me to do and be better, to succeed, to be perfect (in their eyes).
During the past weeks, he had commented several times that his parents didn’t raise no slackers, meaning that he (in his eyes) was a good and hard worker. I told him how I felt that we had similar childhood experiences of being called a slacker, of not doing or being good enough, and that we both had received similar imprinting and programming from our parents. I told him that my parents did the same to me and if they were here now, I’d tell them where to go for what they did to me when I had no choice. I stated that while my parents weren’t here, he, by his comments, was taking their place and that he could go take a flying leap as I now had a choice and a voice to throw that shit back to where it came from. I also told him that just because his parents ragged on him for being a slacker, he was still doing that to everyone else, including his family, even if he was just saying it in a jokey manner, he still meant it as a judgment. I also stated that I now release the imprints, programs and belief that I am not good enough.
As he said what he did in public, my response to him was also in public and in the moment. Everyone that was listening, heard what he said to me, and also heard and “felt” my reply as I wasn’t joking or holding back in expressing myself and how I felt about what my parents had done to me.