2010 Dec 07 I’ve been editing my third book, preparing to publish it, and in the process I’ve been reading and feeling the messages that I got years ago that have been activating me. There has also been a recent flurry of activity in The Heart Centre group on Tribes, with a couple of ex-members rejoining the group and posting comments. I found it interesting that they were either confused, in denial, were spouting misinformation, or were on another page like Marian was in Post 728 What’s up with Sushi and Post 729 Misinformation and Confusion
While I wasn’t activated by any of their comments, I think it was a combination of my interaction with Marian, reading my messages in my book, their posts, and in particular the latest post and last two sentences that read…
“Your own light seemed very adequate to me, I can't see where you needed more light thrown at you. I don't think it was about your need, though it was about his.”
The words “light” and “his” struck a chord in me and made me realize that I was in denial, and that I was hiding my light under a bushel basket as that was one of the messages I read the other day while editing my book. The message was that I was pretending that I didn’t know or feel when I did, and that I was afraid to shine too bright for fear of what it would bring to me. I thought to myself, right, I have awareness of my denials, and so now I have a choice, to stay in denial or to end my denials. I chose the latter and instead of giving myself love with conditions, I now gave myself unconditional love in that moment. I edited my introduction to the group, as well as posting a thread, telling the members what I did and why.
Most of the people I talk to are where I was in my journey some 12 – 18 years ago, and so I know what they are going through, “Been there done that.” For years now, I’ve downplayed my healing experiences and knowing when I’ve tried to help others that were struggling like I did years ago. By doing that, I’ve been hiding my light under a bushel basket, so to speak and that hiding is yet another form of the unseen role of denial. It’s taken me years to finally come to this place of acceptance within myself to remove the basket and to let my light shine as I have never allowed it to shine.
Of course there will be those "Naysayers" that will consider me all kinds of things, but that is par for the course and nothing new, as they’ve done that in the past when I tried to shine my light and truth. So I felt I was dammed if I did, and dammed if I didn’t. What they now think or say is not important, as what is important is that I am no longer denying who I am, what I’ve experienced and am now sharing. It was my denials of myself that were being reflected to me, by them denying me. Now that I’m accepting myself and being real, I look forward to the next part of my journey and uncovering yet more aspects of the unseen role of denial.