I was thinking about my unresolved issues and that it’s not easy uncovering the unseen role of denial that is at play behind the scenes. In texting, emailing and talking with others, I can easily feel and pick up where their denials are, or when their intent is bent by either what they say, or what they don’t say. It can be something as simple as the addition, removal, or the use of the past, present or future tense of the word. It can also be the use of I, me, my, or you, your, or they or them, etc., that exposes the denial and flaw in their bent intent.
However with me, I don’t presently have a person that can catch me and point out my denials. When I feel a person is in denial, I not only state that they are in denial, but also explain what their denials are. I think/feel that if another can truly see and feel my denials, that they can do likewise. While there are many that say I am in denial, when asked how I am in denial and what my denials are that are not their judgments and their activation, they draw a blank and quickly change the subject. If I don’t have a person that can show them to me, then I need to be in a situation where they will be reflected to me by others, and then to have the wherewithal to see it for what it really is, and not what I think it is.
When faced with a personal issue that activates me, I do what I’ve done for most of my journey, and that is to go through the process by trial and error until I find it and correct it. It's a lot easier if another person can see what you can't see as it then gives you something to look for. So now when I don't have that person, it’s like I’m in a forest covered in by a thick fog. Sometimes I feel like I will never heal and become whole as I seem to be constantly searching, but I don’t even know what I’m searching for, or to even identify it , if I did find it. In a lot of ways, it’s really no different than the day I began my journey, just that now I’m on a different level, as I use the insights and understandings from my previous healing experiences as a tool, to help me find the next lost piece of myself. Even though there are times when the journey seems endless, I know that I can’t stop as the more pieces of myself that I find and the more denials I end, the more empowered I feel. So even when I’m feeling down, I know it’s a good thing as I’m touching another part of me that wants to be accepted and loved.