2011 Jan 26 6:15 am While I previously had a fear of asking questions and expressing myself, as I was afraid of conflict, and also felt that I was responsible for other people’s feelings and in making them happy, the issue of asking and telling is coming up again, but now on a different level, one that I never saw or saw in the way I do now.
My issues with asking now is about asking for what I desire and want to experience. I’m afraid to ask as I think/feel that asking for things for myself is selfish, that I shouldn’t need to ask, that I don’t deserve it, that I will get it if I just wait. It’s also twisted up with my issue of telling, as I believe that if I ask another to do something, that I’m telling them what to do, like what is happening with me and Marian, only in reverse. So I have these judgments and beliefs that I don’t want to be like her and use other people to get what I want, so I deny asking. I’m starting to see the issue, but I feel that there is more to it, a lot more and that it’s a KEY to open a huge door.
I’m even afraid to ask God foe what I want and desire as I don’t feel worthy and deserve what I want as I think/feel that I haven’t EARNED the right to have it. I’m also afraid to ask, as I feel that asking is really telling God that what he has done, and is doing is wrong and that I know better than God and that he has screwed up, and on another level, that I’m superior to God and should be God, as I would make things right, and how twisted is that!