I’ve also been remembering more issues from my childhood up to the time when I left home. Issues like my mother and father fighting and thinking that I don’t want to hear this and also being unable to express myself for fear that I would get attacked. I remember doing anything I could to get out of the house and away from “them.” It wasn’t only being frightened about them shouting and fighting, but it also included what they threatened to do to us children.
I remembered more of the arguments my parents had about my father losing the farm because of his gambling, and also of his spending a few months in jail when he took the rap for his father’s moon-shine operation, in which he was a runner, but never got caught. Other memories I was re-living were the wild and drunken parties that my parents had. There were also my mother’s insinuations and arguments with my father about the girlfriend that he had before he married Mom.
I remember seeing and hearing this rage battle going on all week and then on Sunday, it was all nicy nicy as we all had to get dressed up and put on a happy face for the Church congregation. But as soon as church was out, it was back to the same old same old. As a child, I feel this constant turmoil, inconsistencies and uncertainties just wore me down and fragmented me. In talking with my sister, we both agree that my mother shares very little about the early days of her marriage to my father and where they lived. Neither does she talk about her childhood, only that she had to look after her younger brother when her mother was sick.
Ahh! So part and parcel of wanting to avoid any conflict with my mother and not wanting to upset her is so that she won’t go into her denied rage and rant at me, or go into her “oh poor me” routine, using guilt to divert attention and get what she wants.